But wait, there's more call now

Years ago I made a vowed never to buy anything directly from an infomercial.  The only time I strayed is when I bought the Sham Wows and in that case I went to their website; also it was a gift for somebody, so technically that didn’t count.

I’m sure that some of the products advertised are well made and things that the family can genuinely use.  The untimely death of Billy Mays has certainly helped ease any temptation that I had to order directly from the television.  Say what you will about that particular advertising medium, but that man could pitch a product like nobody’s business.

My current favorite infomercial is the Booty Pop.  It’s so surreal that you have to look twice at the television to be certain you’re seeing what you think you are.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4EvVErNhVE&feature=player_embedded]

If I were being totally honest with myself (and isn’t that purpose of a blog?) then I’d also be on my keyboard right now ordering those teach your child to read DVD’s.

As a former teacher I want to teach my child to read at the earliest age possible, but there is just something about that product that makes me uneasy.  

The clips that I saw on television looked instantly dated.   I want Baby Mojo to know what a how much bread it takes for the far out box social.   The teaching principles they talked about seemed sound, but my infomercial ban and that uneasy feeling won out. 

I’m still teaching Baby Mojo to read, just a bit more traditionally, with basic Dr. Seuss books, some flash cards and the occasional tickle break. 

My brother-in-law did lean into me about the flash cards.  Granted, Baby Mojo is very young, he likes to hold them and that’s about it.  However, if this early immersion gives him a quick start so much the better.

If anybody has a positive child reading program story I’d love to hear it.  Not that it would definitely change my mind but it would certainly give us something to think on.

Big knife pillow talk

The other night Mommy Mojo and I were going to bed.  I was about to start reading my book when she had one of her questions that would befuddle Jack Handy.

“Sweetie, I decided that if an intruder comes into the house then I would take Jake, run out the house with my phone and call 911.  What would you do?”

“We’ll, if I were stuck in the bedroom then I’d probably get the big knife”, I said.

I thought she knew about the big knife in the bedroom.  “We have a big knife in the bedroom!?”, she said.  At this point I suspected that my evening reading was probably not going to happen so I rolled out of the bed and proceeded to get the big knife. 

It’s kept in my underwear drawer, so that way I can feign getting my socks or underwear when any burglars come in.  ‘Oh, one moment Mr. Intruder, let me get some new socks on and I’ll show you where the valuables are…’, then I’d take the knife and get all Steven Segal on that predator.

I take the big knife out of the underwear drawer and my wife says, “Sweetie, that’s the big knife?You call that a knife eh...

I wasn’t sure if I should run out and get the kitchen knife in my underwear drawer or lobby again for guns in the Mojo house.

Granted, in the kitchen, it’s not a big knife, but big is all relative.  You put that knife someplace where you’re not expecting a knife, then it’s big.  I put a tube of chap stick beside it so you can get a true scale of it’s blade.

Come to find out the big knife is a custom made cutter that can’t be duplicated.  It was given to me on my 16th birthday, at the time a rather odd present I thought.   My name is engraved on the edge of the blade and it’s something that I can pass down to Baby Mojo; so he can keep it in his underwear drawer when his wife won’t let him get a gun. 

Mommy Mojo loves to ask deep questions right when we’re about to go to sleep.

True conversation

Mommy Mojo:  Sweetie, would you still love me if  I had amnesia?

Daddy Mojo:  Yes, sweetie.  I’d still love you if you had amnesia and when you asked me why we had 10 dogs I’d say, ‘sweetie, we had 10 dogs before you were sick, you don’t remember them?’

Since my big knife was ridiculed I’m going to lobby for something more effective to fight home intruders with, like a cross-bow.  I’ll put a catherine wheel in the corner just in case I need to get all Sir Lancelot on that predator.

Major Tom meets Elvis-A Dad’s vision of late night diapers

When Baby Mojo was really young he reminded me of an astronaut. 

It was usually late at night or at a time when I was really sleepy.  I would pick him up and he’d look like I imagine a stereo typical astronaut looks.  Their legs would be straight and their arms are curved like he’s about to give me a bear hug.  One night I needed a mental pick me up and David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” popped into my head.  (ed. note.  I know Major Tom is technically a Peter Schilling song, but Space Oddity is so much better.)

From then on whenever I had to change Baby Mojo’s nappy at night, I always thought of Major Tom.  That was until one night his onesy didn’t fit anymore and that’s when Elvis entered the picture.

Baby Mojo’s onesy didn’t fit anymore.  The cute collar flayed out at an uncomfortable angle, the top button didn’t fasten anymore-which made his chest bow out a bit.  The bears on the onesy looked out of place, suddenly more like he was wearing a snuggie or a lounge suit.

It was the classic Elvis intro song, See See Rider that stuck in my head too.  Great song from his Elvis’ lounge days in Vegas.  Those horns and that energy from those recording really pumped me up at the chance to change a diaper at 4:00 in the morning.

After a couple  nights of denial we had to cull the wardrobe of all the the clothing that had gotten too tight.  The Vegas jump suit gave way to a snuggie that just looked disturbing.  Speaking of which, now that I’m a parent, I’m slapping myself for not thinking of the snuggie a couple years ago.  I bet you the inventor of the snuggie has children and wanted to bogart off the comfort that our kids have from wearing the onesy.

The lesson that Daddy Mojo learned from this:  take more photos of the baby in funny and potentially embarrassing clothing.

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