Daddy Mojo

Are you pregnant?

Ladies, most men know never, and I mean never ask outright if you are pregnant. Having said that, lets detail a conversation I had at a popular big box store the other day.

I was in line to return some merchandise and there was one person in front of me who was about to finish when a second cashier walked up behind the counter. When I got to the counter I heard the following conversation.

Cashier #2 said to #1: Oh, if that happens again I’m going to go into premature labor right now.

Me: Without looking up at the woman I said, “Oh cool, you’re pregnant, when are you due?”

Cashier #2: “I”m not pregnant, do I look pregnant?”

Me: I looked up at this point, suspecting something was amiss. “I don’t know if you look pregnant or not. I’m just responding to your statement that you may give birth right here”

Cashier#2: “Oh, I can’t imagine having more than four children”

Cashier #1 to #2: “You’re not right”

Grrrr…..If it was a court of law I would claim entrapment.

Women always look like they’ve lost weight, are five years younger then we think they are and look skinny in that dress. Oh, and your hot friend really isn’t attractive at all or prettier than you, I was just looking at the car over there. Men know the answer to these questions without being asked.

“Do you get tired during the week?”

As previously mentioned in my ramblings, I’m a stay at home dad and care for Jake during the week. On the weekends Mom steps in so I can read comics, nap, climb trees and do other guy type activities.

One Saturday I passed Mom in the kitchen while Jake was rolling around on the floor.

“Do you get tired during the week?”, she asked.

“Yes, I’m exhausted during the week and it’s all because of this energy sponge, just sucking our lifeforce”, I said. I knew that she was joking because she was getting beat down by the 29 week old screamapillar that I see during the week. It’s ironic, that the reason for the daddy blog is often the reason that I can’t work or create things for the daddy blog.

However, my off comment about the lifeforce being sucked out of me triggered a memory about a movie that I used to love as a kid.

Ask yourself, what if Species were filmed 12 years earlier, Continue reading “Do you get tired during the week?”

The Tooth Fairy took my man card

The other night Mommy Mojo and I were relaxing at home. It had been an exhausting day and we decided to rent something from our shortlist queue of movies that aren’t too objectionable for either of us. The Tooth Fairy was on that list.

Dwayne “Can you smell what The Rock is Cookin” Johnson, plays an almost over the hill hockey player who is infamous for knocking out other player’s teeth. He’s dating a single mom (Ashley Judd) with two children, the younger of which is losing some teeth. Hockey player casts doubts on the tooth fairy, has to serve time being one-while occassionally playing hockey and being a daddy role model to the Judd’s older son.

Hilarity, romance ensue, cue the suprise casting by Seth MacFarline and Billy Crystal, fade out with a lesson learned for everybody involved. The Rock was good for what it was, as was, Ashley Judd-who was almost unrecognizeable, did she have plastic surgery or something? She didn’t need plastic surgery, if she had it as she was always super cute and fun to watch in any of her damsel in distress movies with Morgan Freeman. Bottom line, The Tooth Fairy was a semi enjoyable, Lifetime movie masquerading as a vechicle for The Rock that could’ve easily been shown on any number of cable networks.

There you go dads, I just saved you rental fee and ninety minutes. Having said that, this was my first time seeing such a movie now that I have a child.

So lets look at the movie from the perspective of a father Continue reading The Tooth Fairy took my man card

The 40 million year old paper weight-Sand dollars in the Sahara

Mothers and wives sometimes don’t see the value in what guys or growing boys have. Sometimes it’s a collection, a piece of clothing or a thing that looks like an old rock. For me it started with a concert tee for Oingo Boingo, who I had seen in concert at an outdoor festival. That was early 80s new wave at its best, even today Boingo’s music sounds great thanks in part to Danny Elfman and their tight rhythm. Their frantic, multi layered music captured the sensibilities of a hyperactive teenage boy perfectly. Continue reading The 40 million year old paper weight-Sand dollars in the Sahara

Mother’s Day Weekend Mojo

I’m reminded of two things this Mother’s Day Weekend. It’s our first year with a baby, so I’m thinking of my wife and I’m also thinking about my mother.

About four months ago my wife was at home taking care of Jake. It was bath time, he had just gotten in the tub then started to scream and cry. The water wasn’t too hot, she did the checklist and he was still crying. For just a moment she doubted herself, probably asking if she was a good parent, did Jake love her?

Then she realized that Jake didn’t have his rubber duck in the tub. Sure enough, once the rubber duck was in the tub Jake immediately quieted down, happily sucking on the duck and spashing his hands in the water.

It won’t always be a rubber duck that makes Jake happy, but more often then not, it will be his mother.

I’m also reminded of my own mother who passed away a year and a half ago. She never touched Wilson, (our golden retreiver), hated going out to eat, never went for a trip in an airplane, loved to make chocolate cookies, watched Wheel of Fortune daily and always wanted to be needed. I never really thanked her enough for being a good parent.

So thanks to all the Mothers, past, present and future. For Mother’s Day we’re heading out to a local nursery that is giving horse carriage rides. It’ll be a nice, low key day for everybody to enjoy spring, babies, dads and moms.

Babygate and other conspiracies

Baby Mojo is right on the cusp of crawling so it’s time to safety proof the house and put up a baby gate near the stairs. Prior to being a daddy blogger I used to work for an animal shelter and had pets of my own. The great thing about baby gates is that they also keep pets out of some areas or off the stairs. We’ve had one up for a while to keep the dogs downstairs and learned a lesson or two that might help you.

There are the temporary gates that you have to remove or step over and stronger ones that allow you to open a door in the gate and step through it.

The temporary gates are usually cheaper and very easy to move between door frames . However these gates don’t allow you to step through them, so these would not be good if they are located near a highly trafficked area. If you’re putting this gate up in the kitchen or office for a little bit that is an excellent location and a relatively cheap fix.

As we have two dogs our option was a more secure gate that we could walk through. There are two options for this style of gate, one that is mounted to the wall and one that is not mounted, ie, no screw holes in your wall.

We’ve got a wall mounted baby gate that is secured into the wall.

Note the position when it’s closed and when it’s open. In the photo to the right, it’s open and there is not a bar that requires you have to step over it.

Most wall mounted gates that do not require you to drill holes in your wall come in a three peice set up and have a bar parallel to the floor when the gate is open. In theory this doesn’t sound like a big deal. However, having to step over a bar at the top, or bottom of your stairs is annoying at best and dangerous at worst.

We had the three piece, dangerous gate for a week or two. Then much to the chagrin of our walls, we exchanged it for the wall mounted version. However, the wall mounted baby gates are stronger, have a secure lock for the kids and are super easy to install.

Bottom line: If you’re getting a baby gate for stairs, don’t worry about your walls.

Ed Hardy and aging gracelessly

The other night Mommy Mojo and I went to see the Gypsy Kings. It had been a while since we actually had a date and we were due for a night without the teeny tiny toddler.

On the way to the venue I noticed that many of the guys were wearing these black t shirts with what looked like a white falcon on it. These are tight fitting shirts that you’d see on Jersey Shore or at an MMA fight, needless to say some of the guys wearing them that night pulled it off and some didn’t.

Some of the guys just looked silly. They were a bit out of shape and the parts of the shirt that should’ve been pushed out with muscles, were instead being taunted by age, moobs or guts. Ladies, this would be the equavalent of your muffintop. We all know that when you see girls wearing tops that are too short and their jeans are too tight it produces the classic muffintop. Sometimes a little muffintop is OK, sometimes, but very rarely.

I didn’t get the whole Ed Hardy craze a couple years ago either. They are cool shirts, but they are just t shirts and there is no way I’m paying more than $15 for a t shirt. The only exception would be a Roger Waters concert t shirt for the 30th Anniversary of The Wall, something like The Wall is an event. Spending around $100 for a t shirt just to prove that I went to the mall would place me perilously close to being a douchebag.

There were even some Ed Hardy shirts at the concert. Apparently they didn’t get the memo that the MMA/white falcon t shirt had supplanted them as the trendy shirt du jour.

I’m not mocking too hard because I was wearing a guyaberra shirt with embroidered dancing people. Describing the shirt that I wore can sound as gay as the tight, black trendy shirts made the other guys in the crowd look desperate. So I guess to each his own in this case. My wardrobe has changed a bit through the years and becoming a father certainly helped in that department.

The Gypsy Kings were amazing and is a great concert if you get the chance to see them live. We had no idea what they were singing or saying, but it was a great night out. It also got me pumped for the next season of Jersey Shore.

The Worm on the floor

Jake, aka, Baby Mojo is right on the cusp of crawling; it’s a time that we’re simultaneously looking forward to and dreading. The Mojo camp is of three thoughts:

The crawling will be supa cute
The crawling baby will mean more work
We need to gird our loins because parenting is about to change.

Watching Baby Mojo writhe about on the floor made me think of a time back in high school. As with any journey, there are a couple stops, but I invite you to stay with me as it’ll take you in the way back machine as well.

The Setup

I spent the night at a friend’s house and his parents weren’t home. Stories that have a happy ending rarely start out like that, do they? We drank a little bit, but not enough to send anybody to the hospital or cause permanent damage. It was a handful of idiot teenagers doing the typical things that they’ll do when not properly supervised at an overnight party.

The next morning the story was that I had gotten too much of the sauce and flashed my naked Mojo to a couple of the girls at the party. The girls, seemingly unimpressed with my Mojo proceeded to laugh and call me PeeWee.

Of course that entire story was false and made up by a couple of my friends. However, as high schools operate, by 9:00 Monday, the (false) story of me flashing a couple of girls at a party was far and wide.

The Plan

High school is a petri dish for society isn’t it? It’s like your work environment without all social rules of behavior; you can say or do anything and it can do nothing or devastate you-all depending upon how you react.

My initial reaction to this story, and the suddenly bequeathed nickname of “PeeWee” was to laugh, deny and ignore, because it in fact did not happen. That was until one of the teachers made reference to the new nickname and then I knew something had to be done.

The high school elections were just around the corner and I had a plan. As PeeWee rhymed with V.P. (Vice President) I would run for Vice President of the Junior Class. It’s amazing how simple phonetics can help create a plan isn’t it?

The Execution

I registered my name, as well as, the newly ascribed nickname of “PeeWee” on the ballot for the Junior Class Vice President of Page High School, 1985. The campaign speeches to the class was something that were the culmination of the elecion season. They consisted of a brief introduction by somebody of your choosing then you’d go on to speak for a couple of minutes.

The person who did my introduction speech was one of the school’s break dancers named D.C. The schtick was for us to give each other a high five, then we’d each do the worm on the floor-with him going off stage and me going to the podium to give my speech as to why the students should vote for me PeeWee….errr, Trey.

So D.C was giving his brief introduction on stage and as he finished I approached the podium. We gave each other a high five and then each of us fell to the floor, wormed for a couple of yards and then stood up. He continued to walk off stage and I walked up to the podium and gave a two-minute speech about why I was deserving of their vote.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY-Y4mUKFN0]My crap dancing notwithstanding, I was elected Vice President of the Junior Class and that nickname slipped into the abyss of the school’s (and my) memory, until I saw Baby Mojo doing The (reverse) Worm.

Being a stay at home dad has triggered these old and forgotten memories lately. My wife has often been perplexed as to why I don’t remember anything from my childhood. The good news for her is that I’m remembering them and have something of substance to share during dinner. For me the good news is that video of that speech, The Worm or my Don Johnson Miami Vice jacket don’t exist.