Red One falls between many cracks to the land of cinematic coal

Our wheelhouse has a litmus test called the Christmas Music (or Movie) test. In brief, people are more forgiving, and artists are more apt to create projects when they are centered around Christmas. The cynic says that it’s a built-in holiday audience that will create traditions around a song or a movie. The artists will say with a straight face that they’ve always loved the holiday and are out to entertain the kids. There are some songs or movies that are wonderful regardless of their Santa inclusion and those creations pass the Christmas Movie (or music) test. Red One is a Christmas movie, does it pass this test?

It has one or two moments of humor. There are multiple instances of action. As with any movie that hopes to be associated with Christmas there are flawed people trying to mend fences or create relationships with their family. Red One has Dwayne Johnson, whom people personally like, Chris Evan, who people liked as Captain America, Lucy Liu, who has been great in multiple projects, and JJ Jameson meme and proof that older dudes can be fit, J.K. Simmons. On paper, there is a lot to love about Red One potentially.

The Buggles could easily dub-over their hit, re-work the lyrics, and pay homage to the burned-out wrecks of the streaming wars highway. While Red One would not be the burned-out, smoking husk of a car that you see as you leave a major city, it’s not the fast-moving vehicle anybody wanted to be when it came off the production line. Red One wants to be holiday fun, but ends up closer to the fruitcake or eggnog area of entertainment. It’s not completely joyless but is resolved to the corners of those strange people who already appreciate that candy/bread monstrosity and the sour liquid where expired milk producers have legitimately found a purpose for their boba.

Johnson is head of security for Santa Claus. J.K. Simmons is Santa Claus. Lucy Lui is Johnson’s boss at the North Pole. Santa’s brother is Krampus. There’s an evil witch behind it all and the jolly big guy is kidnapped with less than 24 hours before Christmas. Evans’ morally ambiguous hacker character unknowingly started it all. Can Evans’ character mend the bond with his son who lives with his divorced wife and get back in time to see the school play? Will there be a climactic scene where Evans, his son and Johnson ride in the sleigh with Santa?

Anyone over 13 knows the answer to this question. Unfortunately, Red One so badly wants to be a holiday movie with action elements and enough humor to resonate with audiences for ages that it fumbles in every category. The language is too harsh for some families. The action is too scary for young kids. The emotional elements are too hammy and predictable. But it’s Christmas, so there must be some seasonal aspect that makes it a recommendation for some groups, yes?

Not really. Johnson and Simmons are the only two characters with any chemistry, but Simmons’ Santa Claus gets kidnapped early in the movie.  Evans and Johnson spend most of the film together, but Evans’ hacker accent is reminiscent of a stereotypical, low-rent mobster from the Northeast. It’s a long way from this to Joe Pesci’s Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas, not in a good way. If you’re coming to Red One for the charisma and charm that he exuded in Captain America then keep on moving to the next theater.

There is a lot of backstory, making-of-the-sausage talk that complicates Red One even further. Dwayne Johnson’s salary of $50 million, his supposed tardiness (which led to), the massive production cost of $250 million, the film’s streaming conversion to Amazon MGM Studios movie orphan, and more are all fascinating to read about. An actor’s salary isn’t something that I should be concerned about. As long as they do their job and produce an entertaining product the market will pay them what it can bear.

In this case, the bear is turning. The age of the movie star is questionably over and people are less willing to shell out $18 a ticket to see the same performance of an actor. Johnson has played this role so often he could do it in his sleep, and if he turns out something like this again that is exactly what the audience will do. Evans has been in a couple of nice things outside of Marvel, but his “What me, con man?” schtick in Red One is tiring.

Red One is a passably entertaining movie on a streaming service. However, in its current release, the film puts its wares, warts and all for display on the big screen. Some kids will like it due to the fact that it’s their first film starring The Rock, the diehard Christmas movie folks will give it a more lenient look, but that will fade quickly. Had the movie picked a side, either had more in common with Bad Santa or The Santa Clause then it would’ve fared better. Instead, what audiences have here is some milquetoast celluloid that falls between many cracks to the land of coal. Those older audiences will yearn for a quick infusion of Terrifier 3 and Art the Clown’s Santa in a bid to expedite the time you’ll never get back from seeing the same old show.

Red One is rated PG-13 for language, violence and action sequences.