Making babies and the many roads of a child’s conversation

Perhaps it should be called the autobahn or the cul-de-sac of a child’s conversation.  It’s those times when you’re innocently talking to a child and they open up a whole new dimension of where you were planning on going with the conversation.  Sometimes it’s an innocent cul-de-sac where the conversation goes round and round while other times it takes that light speed to Endor jump from innocent to hold me tightly, I need a moment. This is a combination of the two of those streets.

We were on the highway and Jake was talking about some of his friends who were going or had just gotten back from Walt Disney World.  I reminded him that he was there three years ago, but that carried very little street cred to a five-year old who, at that time, hadn’t discovered the Octonauts. Side note: If he ever finds out that the Octonauts are a Disney property; he’ll do whatever is necessary in order for us to get that channel added to our Roku.

While he was talking about his friends I said, “You know daddy used to work at Walt Disney World.”

“Was mommy a baby back then?”

For the record, I am older than my wife, but it is nowhere near that age difference.

“No, that was before I met mommy”, I said.

“Was I a baby then?”

“No…..”

“Was Charlie a baby then?”

“No…..he…..”

“Daddy, where do babies come from”, said the five-year old who had just been talking about Walt Disney World and thinking about the Octonauts.

“Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much they’ll have a baby.  It’s important to have that because…”, I started to say before he cut me off.

“No, I mean how are they made?”, he said.

Well, here is where our ever expanding cul d sac of a conversation started to rev up and enter the straightaway.  He’s a very detail oriented child who wants to know ‘why’ and ‘how’ things happen.  I knew what he meant and thought for a moment about how to respond.

“It’s like chemistry”, I clumsily started.  “Daddies have a special chemical that they combine with chemicals that mommies have-and that is what makes a baby”.  As you can see my initial foray into sex education went over swimmingly.

Right after I said that last word I knew that it sounded odd and inauthentic. In my mind I thought about telling him about how willies work with the girl’s private parts, the pregnancy, doula, placenta, birth canal and epidural.  But I was tired, driving and frustrated with myself for stumbling the initial answer.

I need an off ramp from this conversation and the closest thing was a golf range.

“Cool, check out that golf range”, I said.

“Daddy, we’ve seen that before, it’s right next to the video game place”, he said with all of the smarm and know-it-all-ness that a five year old could muster.

After that he went on to talk about something else. That topic escapes me; I just know that it wasn’t about reproduction. My wife and I sorted out what he should call his private parts and since that trip we planned a basic overview of how to address the ‘where do babies come from’ talk. I certainly didn’t expect to start this conversation when he was five though. A friend of mine had their six-year old ask them what sodomy was. They were listening to the news at the time and the child heard a new word that they didn’t’ know.  We’ll prepare talking points for that possible query another time.