Figure it out I’m on the toilet

I said with all the guttural force I could muster.  My pants were around my ankles and I had just sat down on the toilet before running errands with a three and five year old. They were in the other room playing for a moment so I figured I had two minutes to spare.  The phone rings.   I get up, pants around my ankles to see who it is and I don’t recognize the phone number, so of course I answer it.

As the phone number was not in my contacts it could be work related or a job.  With the phone in hand I scurry back to the toilet because children, unlike my bowel movements will not wait.  My wife is on the other end of the phone.*  “Hey sweetie, what’s up” I said in a very curt manner.  For the record I was curt because I knew that I only had 120 seconds left before chaos most likely ensued from the other room.

My wife’s initial thought was I was being rude by answering the phone in the bathroom.  How did she know I was on the toilet?  Let’s just say the acoustics and background noise from the tiny room led her to know where I was.  To be fair, once I knew it was my wife on the phone and not a client I could resume previous activities.

She had called because she was jealous that I got to stay at home with the kids and wanted a pick me up.  Verbal flowers from the children, precious word gifts from growing toddlers and an I Love You from me.  She was telling me something and I wasn’t listening.  I just wanted to relax for a moment and not hear, think or speak.  In the other room I heard a large crash and then our youngest child scream.

FIGURE IT OUT, I’M ON THE TOILET, I roared from the bathroom.  It was the sound that your mind’s eye sees as something that could knock objects, villains or disobedient children down.  I envisioned the bathroom walls crashing down and seeing our two children playing nicely, just for 60 more seconds until angry super hero dad finished going to the toilet.

I step up and go to the door where I’m greeted by two small children.  One was semi-crying holding a train and the other one was asking why I was angry.

“Boys, I just need to use the toilet”, I said in a somewhat subdued roar.  All of this was happening while my wife was still on the phone with me.  “Gotta go, call you later”, I said, ending our :52 second oddity and hanging up without waiting to hear what she said.

“Why are you angry daddy”, the oldest says.  “I’m not angry, I just need to go to the bathroom for a moment.  Leave your brother alone, let him play with the trains and we’ll go to the park in a minute”, I explained in half naked fashion to them.

It was then that I turned on the television and finally got my 60 seconds.  Ironically, my wife also got what she wanted.  She had called because she wanted a pick me up, something to make her feel better about her day.  She did get that, in an inverse fashion.  My day improved after their television time.  We went to the park and the majority of the day was awesome.  However, since that day “Figure it out” has become a rallying cry for me and my wife, go figure.

 

*She was calling from a work phone number that is not in my contacts.  I answer the phone when my wife calls, most of the time….