Parenting studies are garbage, unless they agree with me

Strict parenting linked to higher obesity rates in children!  Parenting like a Tiger Mom will make your kids obese!  A  Tiger Mom gives birth in the London Zoo!  Wait, that’s a real tiger giving birth to three cubs in the London Zoo.  There seems to be a constant maelstrom of parenting nonsense stories that bait headlines more efficiently than Topless Photos of Jennifer Anniston.

So if rigid parenting is linked to obese kids and your genes influence your parenting style you, or your children are most likely screwed.   Stop your child breeding and continue your dream of having an emu farm so that you can make the softest, most supple sweaters. In. The. World.

The parenting study that is all the rage this week is the one that tells loser parents that if you’re rigid, strict or authoritarian then your child will most likely end up obese.  But hold on, 62% of Americans are obese, so they’d be part of the majority; it’s all good, let’s go pet some emus.

Those darn Tiger Moms, making our children obese.  They need a good emu sweater to calm them down you say.  However, this is where the media mixed things up a bit.  The personality of a Tiger Mom (or dad!) is entirely opposite of that that would create an obese child.    Moreover, their young tiger child is so busy doing things that they wouldn’t have time to become obese.  They might have a poor diet, but their activity level would preclude them from becoming obese, yes?

The study goes on to say break research ground by pointing out that children that don’t receive affection are more likely to become obese.  Factor in income level and those families on the lower end are more likely to have children that are obese.  The authors of this study have obviously never seen What’s Happening.

Or maybe they based it entirely on What’s Happening.  Raj was happy and very smart. Rerun was funny, but not smart at all. Raj was skinny as a rail and Rerun was an overweight, bumbling young man who was known for repeating grades in school.  Raj received love, albeit tough love from Mabel Thomas and Rerun received nothing but fat jokes from Shirley.

Rerun needed a Tiger Mom to berate his obese, non-studying self into shape.  He should’ve made friends with The Doobie Brothers instead of trying to record their concert; they would’ve been a good role model for him.

I’m embargoing all parenting studies; except for those that espouse the brilliance of bald fathers.  They’re good people and the author of them is surely a credible source that I can trust.