A Dad reads How Can I Be Your Lover When I’m Too Busy Being Your Mother?

A couple thoughts crossed my mind while I was reading this book.  While the thoughts ebbed and flowed between a couple subjects the main one that kept coming back was the song from Sophie B Hawkings.    It’s not that my wife and I need help in the loving department, but we’re a normal couple with two small children. 

I’ve found myself controlling the kitchen.  In a way it makes sense.  Being the stay at home parent, the home is my workplace and I spend the most time there.  I’ve got a rhythm and can put dishes away quicker, make food better and know how to pack the dishwasher tighter so out of my way!

At its core, the book is about healthy relationships.  It has dozens of stories from wives who share what they’ve experienced and how they solved it.  All of the stories did not have happy endings, but they all provided lessons that even people in good relationships can learn from.

The book is packed with information, well told and surprisingly, not preachy.  With a title like the one it has you might expect it to be a bit preachy or judgmental.  I’m a guy and I say that.  The book is mainly geared towards women, so I’d be shocked if any of the fairer sex thought it was heavy handed.

One of my main takeaways from the book was the 2006 Pew study that found 40% of working moms, vs. only 25% of working dads always feel rushed.  It goes on to explain why women feel so much more rushed, despite both people being in the same roles at home.  Certainly, part of that goes down to control and guilt.

If you feel guilty about not being able to be at home with your kids, then you may take out that guilt by being more controlling.   The unfortunate, old mantra on the double standard of women’s work also factors into things.  If both people work out of the house then the household tasks need to be shared.  When they aren’t that’s when the teeter totter of house work moves, jealousy, resentment , sniping and the lack of physical contact that made you parents in the first place starts to happen.

Guys (and the ladies) will be pleased to know that in a study of women, they found their partner to more sexually attractive when he was doing housework.  Are you a gatekeeper or do you sabotage your partners attempt to help out at home?  Sniping that they didn’t do something correct is the quickest way to stop any progress of sharing that work load.

Personally, I would take issue with the fact that some ladies interviewed found men to have 3 traits naturally lazy, naturally messy and not team focused- always having their own agenda.  Most of the guys I know aren’t like that, but people in the relationships that have those traits need to sort things out and realize that said behavior is allowed to happen.  Establish goals, allow your partner to do them and see if those 3 don’t disappear quickly.

There is also a work chart for couples to complete.  This is a thorough work sheet that takes time, but can help both people get on the same page as to what they expect, vs. what they’re doing and were told.

I was provided with a complimentary ebook of How Can I Be Your Lover When I’m Too Busy Being Your Mother is written by Sara Dimerman and J.M. Kerns.   All thoughts are my own and my marriage is smelling like a rose thank you very much.