After nine months of waiting, the time has come. You pregnant moms can now drink beer and eat sushi. You’ll also give birth to a child. Here’s what to expect when you’re not expecting anymore.
In the operating room
Moms cruise into the operating room about ten minutes before dads. Dads, this leaves you with ample time to tweet out some wise thoughts, take a photo and chat with the nurses. A nurse that administered the shots to Mommy Mojo passes us and we make idle conversation. “Where you from? You didn’t have that English accent before?” she asks. I said “Oh, when I’m nervous sometimes my questions come out in an accent because I lived overseas and..” it’s then that the doctor mercifully comes out and brings me into the show, aka birth.
Once dads get in there all they have to do is sit beside their wife’s head and stroke their hair, say nice things to her and be in awe of the really bright lights. Moms, your job may be a bit more difficult.
“OK dad, get ready”, is probably what the doctor will say when they’re ready to bring the baby out. ‘Out’ is a vague term dads, either way for the sake of your future sex life with your wife, you may want to stay on your side of the curtain.
The pose that your child first strikes when they breathe oxygen is an odd one. It’s one part declaration of having arrived and one part extra from Alien. They’re covered with gray milky stuff, which the nurse immediately tells you what it is, but you’re still thinking that your wife was in league with H.R. Geiger.
Where are all the kittens?
Once your baby is born you’ll be escorted out of the operating room. Again, don’t look over the curtain that’s around your bride’s neck, just kiss her on the forehead and walk away. Your baby will be weighed and placed under a heat lamp. This heat lamp may look familiar to you stoners, but this is no trip; it’s time to change out of the Phish t-shirt and put on your parenting khakis.
The hydroponic light on wheels (with your child in it) will stop in a much larger room where a nurse will weigh them, put some odd devices on their feet and genuinely confuse you. Occasionally you’ll listen to them, but it’s possible that you’ll be overwhelmed by this writhing creature that is your child.
You must overcome this feeling and take pictures. Your bride is in the operating room wondering what her child is doing and you’re daydreaming, scared of the loser dudes that she’ll date or hopeful that he won’t have your bad qualities. Mom wants photos, stat.
You may also be wondering where are the kittens or dinosaurs are. A newborn baby defies most modern sonic adjectives, but it sounds like a newborn kitten or what you’d imagine a dinosaur sounds like.
After 20 minutes of kittens, raptors and newborns, your wife will join you and you’ll both be in awe. You may also have a headache and be wondering how college will be paid for.
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Nice! Made me remember those days. Miss ’em cause they go by SOOOOOO FAST! Enjoy every minute! I think of having kids as a “lease-option” ’cause if you do a good job, they should be gone in 18 years! If not, you’re really stuck!
I second that “Don’t look down there” advice. My first daughter required forceps assistance and there was, ahem, opening beyond the episiotomy (sp?). I was in a bit of a haze when I sat down and held her for the first time, so I didn’t notice that the armchair I chose had a direct view of the stitchwork that the doctor was doing on my wife.
I recall an undifferentiated mass of red, which is probably my mind’s self censoring for the purpose of continued marital relations.
That’s the first time I’ve heard the word ‘episiotomy’. Yes, hanging around those doctors made me realize that a valid Skill is great to have.