Pregnancy week 32-Moms, you’re large, hot, tired and short

Pregnant ladies in the house, you’re all those things and a bag of chips.  I’m kidding about the bag of chips because that may be one of the few things you don’t have a craving for.  If you are craving a bag of chips then you can use another tired 90’s cliché like ‘talk to the hand’ or ‘don’t go there!’.

At week 32 of pregnancy your little passenger is a big as a squash or a jicama.  A jicama looks like the head of Scarecrow Spud from Bob the Builder.  Anybody with a boy toddler immediately knows what a jicama looks like.  Everybody else either thinks it’s an evil looking vegetable or an outcast from The Nightmare Before Christmas, and they’d both be right.

In more good news, moms, you will gain about a pound a week until you give birth!  About half of that weekly pound will go towards your little passenger though.  Recently Mommy Mojo and I were in the room with Toddler Mojo and I said something along the lines of “What are you looking at buddy?”

‘Oh, he’s just looking at his fat mom walking around the house’, Mommy Mojo said.  I’m paraphrasing, but it was something along those lines.  Moms your passenger weighs about 3 pounds, 11 ounces now.  Don’t worry about the weight you’ve put on, that’s temporary and all you need to do is concentrate on having a healthy baby.

Doula is not some trendy vampire novel for teenage girls

When I first heard the word Doula I immediately thought of medulla oblongata.  That term immediately led me to be reminded of Iron Butterfly, In A Gadda Da Vida, which in turn took me to The Simpsons.

In reality a Doula is a Greek word that means ‘women’s servant’.  But in this case you husbands are off the hook; this Doula is just to get them through the birthing experience.  Think of them as a wingman for the delivery room.  A friend to go shopping with to the baby store, hold their hand and occasionally yell PUSH, PUSH, breathe-PUSH!!! in their ear while they’re in labor.

We didn’t have a Doula the first time around.  If anything our Doula was Brian Johnson.   Brian Johnson sounds like your doctor or good friend, but he’s the lead singer of AC/DC.  We made a mix tape of rock and roll songs, hair metal and other oddities that you’ll hear in a baseball or hockey game.

Unfortunately for us there was no seventh inning stretch and 18 hours into labor things weren’t getting better so Toddler Mojo greeted us through C-section.  More Mojo will be making his grand entrance via C-section also.

Another characteristic of pregnant women at the 32^nd week is that they are short.  I don’t mean that the pregnancy is making them closer to the ground; rather their temperament is not as lenient as it once was. *If you’re a vertically challenged woman in the 32 week of pregnancy who writes short stories, lives in Smallville and has a husband named Curt, it’s truly your sweet spot.

Next week:  It’s the 33^rd week of pregnancy!  Your baby is as big as a baby and you’re really, really tired of the back pain, sleepless nights and gloating from your non pregnant husband.

 

*But not you sweetie, you’re as patient as the day is long.