Odd jobs, balloons and Dan Rather

Babies love balloons.  Whenever we go to a store that sells balloons it’s always a welcome distraction to point to them, learn colors and attempt to quiet the gathering sonic storm from Baby Mojo.  Being responsible parents we knew that having  a balloon or two at his first birthday party would be a good thing.   

Mom and I had planned a Dr. Suess themed party.  We had a big red blanket and I was in charge of getting some nice red balloons.  While I was at the store, looking at the packs of balloons with Baby Mojo I had some great memories of where I’ve been and what I’ve done.  Being an ex radio guy one would expect that I had a story or memory about a retro German 80s song; however, for a brief period of time I also did singing telegrams.

I can’t sing.  This isn’t a talent that I recently lost, I never could sing.  I do love karaoke, but I’m not the guy who sings and people stop to watch because they’re so good or talented.  I’m the fun, loud karaoke guy, so when I did singing telegrams they were in character, usually a caricature of a period in time or a profession.  The cowboy and caveman were the ones who I did the most, but I also did a large yellow bird and the occasional custom order.

One such custom order came in and the owner of the company called me.  “We have a birthday girl who loves Dan Rather”,  she said. “She loves Dan Rather?” I shot back.  “Yeah, she loves his anchoring of the news, has followed him for years and it’s her birthday.  She also really likes balloons”. 

So, I had a woman that is a huge fan of Dan Rather and really likes balloons; that should be an easy impersonation.  I watched the CBS News for a couple nights, practiced in front of a mirror, got familiar with current events and other news anchors and took on this custom order.

I put on a business suit, gathered my two dozen balloons and headed over to her house.   When you figure that my normal work attire was a monkey suit or caveman outfit; I was really moving up in the ranks of singing telegrams.   I really remember this job because two dozen balloons were very difficult to fit in my care and still have anything not obscuring my blind spot.

I didn’t really know what I was going to do after I rung the door bell.  She wasn’t expecting me and there wasn’t a plan or script that I had laid out.  This was the first time I had done an impersonation of Dan Rather.

When the door was answered I asked to see Carol.  They led me through the house to where Carol and most of the guests were, on the back deck.  It was obvious who Carol was as everybody was pointing to her; so I sat down and immediately started talking about current events.   After a minute or two I introduced myself a fellow Dan Rather fan, asking her what she loved most about him and how long she’d been a fan.

It was at this time that the impersonation got easy.  She started having fun, talking about the news, how she loved his professionalism and clear pronunciation.  My impersonation of Dan Rather was a mixture of William Shatner, Jesse Jackson and Ken Brockman from The Simpsons.  At the root of all half baked impressions are William Shatner and Jesse Jackson.   Even now when I act like my father it sounds like Jesse Jackson.

Towards the end of the routine I knew that I had made enough ‘Iraqi scud stud’ jokes and announced that I had to leave.  As I turned to leave I got the balloons in my right hand and while I was transferring them to my right hand gravity, or lack thereof, took them and they went racing into the sky.

After 15-20 minutes of babbling like Dan Rather I goof the easiest part of the gig-giving this woman double the number of balloons that we normally deliver.  It was only at this point that I dropped character and said, “oh, my.  I am so sorry about that”.  But by now the party guests were howling in laughter as they knew that she really liked balloons. 

Carol was gracious and said no big deal about the two dozen balloons that were on their way to the next county.  I said thank you and good bye, in my best Dan Rather staccato voice and sharp angled mannerisms. 

With Baby Mojo’s balloons we had weights.  Nice one pound weights that kept all four of his red Dr. Seuss themed balloons grounded, until one of them flew away due to a loose knot.